I confess that I'm generally a fan of the Wachowskis. The only film of theirs I haven't seen (yet) is their first, Bound. And while I don't think The Matrix is as fantastic as many of its most ardent fans say, I'm also a little more upbeat on the two sequels. I actually liked Speed Racer, if for no other reason than the sheer gusto with which it sought to create a live action cartoon. And while Cloud Atlas is ultimately a rather empty experience, it is at least well-made and brilliantly edited.
At the end of the day, the largest issue with any Wachowski production is how damn serious they take themselves. They interject trite, flyweight philosophical comments and believe that these form the soul of the production. To get an utter earful of what I'm talking about, just watch any of The Matrix films while listening to the philosophers’ commentary track. It's hilarious, though I don't think it's meant that way.
All of this has led us to Jupiter Ascending, and I'm befuddled by the experience. I'm sure there's meant to be some serious commentary in there somewhere, but it's all so extremely silly, the very essence of vapid, that I'm laughing too hard to recognize what it is. At the same time, I confess that I was, for the most part, entertained from start to finish. It's a grand space opera full of grandeur and grand vistas. It has some grand old ideas writ large on the silver screen. It should have been grand, I say, grand! Alas…
Jupiter Ascending is the story of how Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) comes to America and ends up washing toilets as part of the family housecleaning business. She also turns out to be the genetic match for the matriarch of one of the most powerful families in the universe. How'd that happen? Well, that's one of the questions that drives much of the story, so we'll leave that hanging for now.
Meanwhile, the story unfolds as three siblings all vie to gain control (or kill) Jupiter because if she owns the Earth, she would become very rich and very powerful and totally muck up their plans. There's Kalique (Tuppence Middleton) who wants to be Jupiter's sisterly friend (difficult because Jupiter is a match for Kalique's mom); Titus (Douglas Booth), who has his own strangely incestuous designs; and Balem (Eddie Redmayne), who just wants her dead.
Fortunately, she has a defender named Caine Wise (Channing Tatum), half-man, half-dog, er, wolf (look, it's the reimagining of Barf!) and Caine's bee-based buddy Stinger (Sean Bean). "Bee-based"? Why yes, because it seems that these delightful aliens are actually humans because humans apparently rule the entire universe and love nothing more than splicing human DNA with different creatures Just Because. So Caine is part wolf because that makes him a great tracker and warrior and Stinger is part bee because…honey? There's even an alien who is spliced with an elephant and they name him Nesh (Nicholas A. Newman) and I'll leave it to you to look up why. In the end I was left wondering whether there were any actual, you know, aliens in this outer space epic.
There is so much going on that it makes one dizzy. It's all well and good to have a complex plot but this has a complex universe and complex people are explaining its complexity all of the time. There's so much tell that it often feels like there's little time for show, and show is what makes movies work. Tell stops the action cold and, surprise, that's what keeps happening in Jupiter Ascending.
It also doesn't help that just this year I've seen John Wick, Kingsmen, and Mad Max: Fury Road (more on that another day, but holy cow, what a great film). The action in each of these makes Jupiter Ascending look and feel tepid. The Wachowskis are known, if for nothing else, for their action sequences and here they've been upstaged, outdone, and left for dead. Even without comparisons to those other films, the action in the film is just limp and repetitive. It also collapses under a moment's thought. Caine has this shield which is apparently good against any form of attack, even from ships that just a moment before blew a starship out of the sky. Awesome! And somehow he always has it where it needs to be, even when he's surrounded. Amazing, no? No.
I know you're not supposed to spend too much time thinking about these things in films like these, but sometimes they just smack you in the face. Another one: Caine is taken prisoner and while they take away all of his other toys, er, weapons, they let him keep his special flying roller blade boots. Such nice cops…
Even if you ignore all of that nonsense, the acting never rises to mediocre. Redmayne is particularly awful in an absolutely dreadful way. There's no chemistry between any of the actors on any level. "Bland" is the best word to describe the lot of them. The role of Jupiter required an actress capable of carrying an entire film, similar to how Jennifer Lawrence has to carry the entire Hunger Games series. Kunis isn't up to the task.
Michael Giacchino's music is his first dud. There are couple of musical cues which are memorable, but overall it is either overwrought or flat. The cinematography is likewise meh. Much is made about how much work went into filming an aerial chase over Chicago, but the end product, while beautifully lit, just doesn't seem to justify the hype. They swear much of it was shot practical, without CGI, but it doesn’t come off that way. The visual effects are all well done, but that's just the standard nowadays.
So I find myself in a quandary. Realistically speaking, Jupiter Ascending is a disaster. This is the first time I find myself unable to defend a Wachowski film, and remember, I like Speed Racer! At the same time, though, there is such grandeur to the production, a tremendous sense of scale to the universe they created. I love space operas and here was a chance to make a great one, one for the ages, and maybe that's what I can find to love here, the sheer Wachowski willingness to absolutely go all out and produce the grandest space opera ever. I want to return to the universe they created and go exploring.
Unfortunately, the story they created within that universe is mind bogglingly dull, which means they had their shot and blew it. If you love style for style’s sake and want to see some hints of some amazing world-building, Jupiter Ascending may be worth the view. It also, on occasion, rises to the level of being craptastic (I mean, come on, Nesh trumpets when he’s steering his spaceship), so there’s that. If, however, you want a good, well-told story, a film that actually does something with all that universe building, look elsewhere.
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