I woke up the other day with the realization that I was one of maybe three people on Earth who hadn’t yet seen the latest Transformers film. Feeling the need to lower my IQ, I went to remedy this. There are now, somewhere, only two people who haven’t seen Michael Bay’s latest...thing.
Possibly the most accurate review of the film, though laden with spoilers, may be found here. Written as a Q&A, an example of its commentary is:
Can you explain Megan Fox's appeal?
Yes. She looks like a porn star and has the same acting talent as one, yet for some reason she makes mainstream movies. This tonal disconnect is what's so appealing about her.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (RotF) is a loud, sprawling, loud, drawn-out, loud, colorful, loud, spiraling, loud, dizzying, loud, train wreck of a film. And knowing that train wrecks are governed by the laws of physics, and even while appearing chaotic proceed along understandable lines, calling this film a train wreck may, in fact, be an insult to train wrecks.
I have a high tolerance for bad cinema. Witness the fact that I actually like both Wanted and Hitman. By any objective measure, these films are horrible, yet I can watch them over and over.
I thought Transformers was awesome. Every negative observation ever made about it is probably 100% accurate, and I don’t care. The film has the remarkable ability to turn off my brain and leave it off, not tricking it, even for a moment, to re-engage. If for no other reason, this makes Transformers an amazing film.
Would this were so of RotF. It kept making me twitch. Why is their a sun-destroying weapon on Earth? Why did the beings that put it here go off and die rather than take it away? Why do robots fart? Why do they have backwoods country hick accents? Why are so many of them so stupid? Why is Shia LeBeouf considered an actor? Why is Megan Fox given any dialogue? Who really, honestly, seriously, thinks Robert Orci and Alex Kurtzman can write forth a damn?
I know, I know, many of these things (and more) could also have been asked of the first film, yet here they are inflated to massive size, illuminated with bright lighting, and presented with brain-warping volume. It’s as though you’re challenged not just to disengage your brain, but to actually close your eyes, cover your ears, and chant, “Lalalalalala!”
Is that anyway to watch a film?
Here’s a small example of the writing: Megatron lies at the bottom of the sea and five Decepticons descend to revive him. Why don’t they freeze? That’s why Megatron was dumped there, so the freezing waters would keep him frozen and inert. Five go down, and a US submarine tracks them on sonar. At the bottom, four of them tear apart the fifth so his parts can be used to revive Megatron. Alive once more, he leads the ascent back to the surface. And the sonar man dutifully reports six objects rising....
Wait? 5-1+1=6? What is this, a variation of the ultimate answer to the ultimate question? This is the sort of “oops” that a first review of the first draft should have caught.
Obviously, no one cared. And that shows throughout the film.
No one involved in making this film could be bothered to use both hands to do the math. And this goes on for two hours and forty minutes. At the end my butt was numb, my ears were ringing, and I really have little to no idea just what the hell happened.
Christian Toto realizes that the film is critic-proof. John Nolte can’t help but express in even more detail why it oh so sucks. (And both, not quite as much as me, pretty much enjoyed the first film.) MovieBob rages because this film, even more than the first, takes a dump on a beloved franchise.
Me? I’m annoyed because it’s not even a decent follow-up to the first film. It can’t even be bothered to be consistent within itself, let alone with the first film. The entire film evokes a screaming sense of WTF?!?
On a strange, fetish level I enjoyed parts of the film. There were flashes of moments of humor that made me laugh (can’t remember them, though, because my brain fled the theatre). As I said, I liked the first film and would have loved to have completely enjoyed the sequel.
But I didn’t. It was so loud and so big and so hyper that I was bored. Same thing happened when I saw Return of the King. Just how many battles can you sit through before you yawn and look at your watch?
Curious observations: It names Obama as president. Why? The film is now frozen in this moment in time. They parodied Bush in the first film, but didn’t name him. This film sort of slams Obama by naming him and making his representative a complete ass. Interesting.
As to the “racists twins”: Jazz, in the first film, made me cringe because of his racial overtones. I thought he was far more insulting then these guys. The point can be argued, but what’s loud (very loud) and clear is that they are horrible, pointless characters. We’re talking beyond Jar Jar Binks.
By sad coincidence, though, they have one of the funniest exchanges in the film, at least one I can remember:
Ow, that hurts.
Itsan ass whuppin’, it’s suppose ta hurt.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen hurts, your eyes, your ears, and every conscious, functioning brain cell you possess. Maybe it’s an ass whuppin’, and not really a film at all. Hey, it suddenly all makes perfect sense.
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